Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
