i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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