I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
