I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
