I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
