Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
