I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
