Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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