you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
