so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
