If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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