I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
