Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
