Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
