Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
