this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I could make wine with my vomit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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