cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
