I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
