12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Randomize
