i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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