I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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