The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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