Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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