her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
