Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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