I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
