Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
