I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
