Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
