Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
