paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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