My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
