C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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