Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
