She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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