youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
