I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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