I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
