I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
