Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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