he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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