Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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