She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
