Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
