I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
