How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
