I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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