there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Michael Bay diarrhea
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
