I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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