RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this boner is exhausting
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
