Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
